Hello. My name is Natasha & I am a Creative

If you had asked me a year ago whether I considered myself a creative I would have said no.

If you had asked me whether I had any idea of what my life would look like once I realised and actually started believing that I deserve more than what I was currently getting? I would have also said no. Because honestly, I had absolutely no idea what I was capable of.

The word ‘potential’ haunted me for years with teachers and adults alike telling me ‘if you just applied yourself more’, you’d be so much better.’ Better at what? I never knew what potential they were talking about (and quite frankly I don’t think they did either). But, I’m starting to see it now. I’m slowly coming to understand that this ‘potential’ is all the hard work I’ve put into creating these last few years. And it’s overwhelming!

This picture and the accompanying caption on Instagram is what started it all. I want to say it was an awakening from a slumber that had felt like I was moving through the last few years of my life on autopilot, but at the time it felt like a desperate cry for help. For someone to show me that I wasn’t doing life wrong and that I was going to make it out of the uncertainty that lay ahead. And to basically tell me what I should be doing because I had no clue!

I was miserable, anxious and blamed myself for not having figured out my life and felt like ‘a child masquerading in an adults body’ because I was still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. No tangible success to speak of, no savings, no goals…nothing.

It was around this time I started seeing a life coach (hey Nyachomba!) who opened my eyes to see all of the things that weren’t working out for me and how I had neglected the most important person in it…me. And I had to come to terms with the fact that where I was, was not where I wanted to be. So how and what was I going to do to change that?

My whole life I felt like I didn’t have purpose and didn’t know my purpose because ‘creative’ wasn’t going to cut it.

Last year my self confidence was on the absolute floor and it was at the same time that I was going through post party depression, a separation, financial insecurity and trying to stay mentally and physically healthy to be able to take care of my daughter as well as myself. Morale was at an all time low and the tears flowed endlessly because I had no idea what the future held for me.

If you had asked me a year ago whether I thought I would be where I am today I would have said no.

But at some point I told myself ‘You have two choices. One is to continue living life the way I had been up until this point, fuel the narrative that had plagued me for years that I was lazy and not driven…or, get up and go for what I desired while believing and trusting myself. Speaking lovingly to myself (a feat that is still sometimes difficult on the days I’m not ‘productive’), not shaming myself (also sometimes difficult but getting better at it) and giving myself grace for all the years I didn’t believe I could tap into this thing that had stayed dormant within me.’

Ultimately it boiled down to doing what I desired, not because someone else told me to, but because I wanted and decided to.

And that’s what I did. I poured myself into creating content. Making content even while my world was in upheaval and my emotions and feelings were crashing into each other craving for some much needed reprieve. I pushed myself to think of different ways to style the clothing I already owned because shopping for new ones wasn’t an option. Documenting bits and pieces of my life while editing out the bad. ‘People will know what I’m going through but they wouldn’t know the full extent’ I’d tell myself because I wasn’t yet ready to speak about what was happening. Editing videos every night after putting her down to sleep because that was your ‘free time’.

I said I had to change what I was currently experiencing and living because this wasn’t it.

I wrote about my struggles in trying to define success for myself and not being anywhere near what ‘society’ deems as being a success here, and I’m glad I have come to the conclusion that society or anyone else’s idea of what I ‘should’ or ‘should not’ do or be can quite literally go f*ck themselves. Trying to fit myself into a box that was not designed for me has been excruciating and I felt like I died many deaths and diminishing my true self trying to conform.

I’m finally believing that the way my mind works, and the way I nurture my creativity and tap into it won’t make sense to everyone and that’s ok. There’s a method to my madness I’d like to say and I embrace it fully.

I am fully accepting that the way I think, is unique and I can rest in the fact that the skill that I have is what will carry me onwards and upwards as I make up for years of stagnation.

But you know what? Despite stepping into this new found creativity I feel a deep sadness. A sadness that won’t be erased but will hopefully dissipate as time goes by.

I’m sad (and at times really angry) that I had to go through the absolute wringer emotionally and physically to come out on the other side with a whole new outlook on my life. But as cliché as it sounds, I doubt it would have happened if I hadn’t gone through the most. I have a feeling I would still be stuck, swimming in blame, shame and anxiety ridden episodes wondering how I could possibly get out.

'I’m sad that my daughter wasn’t able to experience a happy mother in her earliest years, and that she experienced a mother who wasn’t at peace, a mother who was living on what felt like survival, emotional dysregulation and felt lost.

Why had it taken me so long to realise and embrace my creativity? To see that my worth lay within me and that I wasn’t a failure? There are multiple reasons for that but ultimately I needed to first and foremost believe that I could. And I also needed a safe place to be who I wanted to be.

Not everyone gets the chance to realise their greatness. The power that we all hold within us and all the things that we can achieve in this here lifetime. I know I’ve only just touched the surface but this feeling of finally finding ‘my thing’, as I already mentioned, is overwhelming. And a little bit scary. Is this a fluke? Will it disappear? But I know nothing good came out of life without feeling little scared of what’s to come. What’s that saying?

“Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear.”

George Addair

Looking back now, even though I’m still figuring out a lot of things, I’m extremely proud of the steps I took to finally step into my own. I have this gift that I never thought I did. And it is extremely humbling that all this time all I had to do (and that’s putting it lightly) is trust myself and do what I truly wanted. And that was to create and live life on my terms.

Hello. My name is Natasha and I am a creative.