Abuse, Consent & Motherhood
Trigger Warning: I want to talk about something that will be triggering for some as it has been for me. But in openly talking about this I am healing my past and creating a future that is empowered; for myself, my daughter & future generations to come. I hope you find the courage, whatever that looks like for you, to speak your truth. ❤️
Ever since becoming a mother, there’s been a pull inside me that is forcing me to be my most vulnerable and authentic self. Because motherhood has drastically changed a lot of what I thought/think, feel & aspire to be for my daughter (and ultimately myself), my need to talk about this topic now is ever more important. Without fear, judgement or shame. Because at the end of the day, I’m learning that healing starts when we speak about about the things that once kept us small and scared.
I was molested when I was a child. I will not go into the details because that is not why we’re here. Those people are no longer in my life and I do not know where they are or whether they are alive or dead. I do not care.
I never knew why it happened and thought I had done something to allow it to happen. In the moment that your body is violated it freezes, and you feel like you are rooted to the spot. A feeling that has shown up during adulthood as well when I found myself in similar uncomfortable situations. The confusion that follows afterwards is crippling because you don’t know why they did what they did.
The thing with abuse and molestation is you tend to think that it’s your fault. And you somehow made it happen to you. And if it happens repeatedly or on different occasions, that it is something that is almost normal? Because why else would it be happening?
Speaking up about sexual abuse is somewhat still taboo. Actually let me rephrase that. Speaking up about sexual abuse IS still taboo. We all saw how the world reacted to the ‘Me Too’ movement. And these were adult women (and men) coming up and telling the world that they had experienced sexual violence. If you recall, it was met with mixed emotions but largely, there was a feeling of blame on the people that came out against their abusers. ‘Why now?’, ‘Did it really happen?’, ‘Are you sure they did it cause they seem like such a nice person?’ and ‘Why did you wait so long to speak up?’
There are a myriad of reasons as to why people, and in this case children, don’t speak up. Fear being one of them. Fear, which was instilled in you by your abuser that if you told, you’d get into trouble. That your parents will get hurt because you told. Fear that it was all your fault and you did this really bad thing. Or the simple falsehood that no one will believe you. Often children are afraid of what will happen to them if they tell because offenders are able to keep victims silent by tricking, shaming, threatening, and making the child believe that no one will believe them. The thing that offenders do is they first groom you to gain your trust. And they manipulate you into thinking you’re to blame for what they did with threats on yours or your family’s life and so you carry that shame with you, not knowing or understanding why it happened.
For the longest time I said I never wanted to have children. And looking back now I understand why. There were a multitude of reasons but the most predominant one was not knowing how me, as a parent, a mother could protect my child from being abused. And ultimately not wanting your child to go through what you went through.
I’ve spoken about my abuse with trusted friends and family but it was mostly in passing or even joking about it (which I can’t even fathom why I would but now realise it was a coping mechanism to block whatever feelings arose from confronting it). I didn’t allow what happened to me to define me. But the repercussions of those incidents showed up every so often throughout my adulthood in how I handled myself, my boundaries and consent. I didn’t know it then but those experiences would drastically influence my motherhood journey.
So naturally, after giving birth to my daughter, everything came to the surface. I was plagued by anxiety & fear. The foremost question in my head was ‘How am I going to be able to protect her’. Your trust in everyone and everything literally dissipates and you’re left wondering why you brought a child into a world that harbours and even sometimes protects offenders. Your past catches up to you and forces you to sit down and come to terms with what happened, and realise it was never your fault. You were not to blame and you can move forward albeit with a lot of help and trust that what you are teaching her what you wish had been taught to you.
It is common that people often want to believe that abuse happens by strangers, A strange looking person skulking in the dark watching kids from a distance ready to make their move. When in fact, between 70% and 85% of children know their abuser. A whopping 85 motherfucking percent of abuse happens by people you trust, people who are close to you, and people who come into daily contact with you and your child.
Uncles, fathers, mothers, cousins, teachers, a neighbour, aunties, siblings, the statistics are scary. And for a lot of people who’ve gone through this traumatic experience, some still have to be around these people years later. Because they never said anything, couldn’t say anything, for fear of judgement, being called a liar or because no one wanted to hold the perpetrator/s accountable for fear of what people would say (if the individual just happened to be a family member).
If we’re not talking about it then who are we protecting? The abusers? Their supposed reputations? Why? Why let someone continue the cycle of abuse and possibly continue doing the same to other children? (We can most definitely also ask the same question with regards to all other types of abuse, be it physical emotional, financial etc. but that is another topic for another day).
And it’s even sadder because we’re shamed if we do bring it up as parents who are teaching consent to their children. If we want to talk about having boundaries with children, understanding and respecting their no’s, teaching them that they don’t have to give a hug or kiss if they don’t want to. We’re told we’re ‘teaching them to be anti-social’ or ‘that’s their grandparent/aunt/cousin they need to give them a hug’. No. They don’t if they don’t want to. Forcing them to do so will only reinforce in their minds that their needs or wants when it comes to their body autonomy doesn’t matter. And unfortunately, these cues that we’re told early in life trickle into adulthood where boundaries, consent and basic respect are such foreign concepts, you don’t even understand how you functioned for so long without practicing simply saying ‘No’ when you felt uncomfortable or didn’t want to partake in something.
One particular page I follow on Instagram called Sex Positive Families teaches about sex education, and had a pretty profound point about why it’s so important to teach about consent early and throughout a child’s upbringing. They say “When we seek consent before moving forward with an action, we are acknowledging another person’s right to their own choice in an experience.” How often do you remember being asked growing up whether you wanted to hug or kiss someone hello? Questions like “May I take a picture of/with you?”, “Would you like a hug?”, “They said stop, so that’s enough.”, “No? Okay, I respect that?” Not often in my case and I don’t fault my parents for it. They were moving based off of what they were taught and society/cultures view of children having to obey when asked or told to do something. Because it was a sign of respect and being a ‘good’ child. ‘Respect your elders and don’t talk back!’
Now the next part of that post is what struck me. They go on to say “Some may argue ‘Why do I have to ask permission from a child?’ or ‘they’re MY child, and until they’re on their own in the world, they do what I say.’ Thoughts such as this are what get kids accustomed to being controlled by another, operating out of a sense of obligation, and less able to assertively communicate their needs without fear. It essentially grooms them to be victims or oppressors within abusive relationships.” That right there! Ringing bells and sirens went off in my head because I was like “Wow! That’s been me!” When you’re not taught how to say no or assert yourself or your boundaries, shit goes left. And by shit I mean relationships platonic or romantic because you can’t or don’t know how to speak up for yourself when you’re being disrespected or find yourself in a situation that is far from ideal. That’s why consent is so important for me. My daughter will not go through the same things I did if I can so help it.
I want to be able to stand up for myself and my daughter because I am her safe place and I will speak up for her if she feels like she can’t. ‘There is power in speaking up’ and this is a quote I have held dear in recent months as I step into this new phase of motherhood. I am not afraid of being looked at as the mother who tells you when you are being too touchy with her child. A voice I am still building because it takes work, after years of not being able to do so for yourself. Because if I don’t, who will?
I know I will not be able to be around her 24/7 to protect her but what I do know is I can teach her, and empower her about the things I never knew. She already knows the names of her private parts (the anatomically correct names not the ‘cutesy’ or non descriptive names we were used to hearing growing up). And to advocate for herself & her body. For her to know that her ‘No’ means something. And if she isn’t 100% sure, that’s still a no. She will also know that ‘she is the boss of her own body’ and no one else. Not me, not her father, not her friends, teachers, family, future partner, but her.
I’ve had to educate myself since becoming a mother (yes it took me that long because even in my own life, as mentioned, consent & boundaries were almost foreign concepts up until recently). There were always ‘grey areas’ (but not really because once again, if it isn’t a hearty YES then consider it a no) feeling like you had to do something to please another person, lack of confidence in speaking up because you didn’t want to hurt someone else, I could go on. And the list of things to do in order to educate yourself and others can feel overwhelming because it’s not only your child you have to teach but you also have to teach yourself and the people around you who will be coming into contact with them. And for someone who doesn’t like confrontation or speaking about uncomfortable topics, this can be really hard. I get it. I really do. This is me.
Then one top of that, what happens if you’re not on the same page with a caregiver who feels like ‘you’re making big fuss about the whole thing’, it can make you feel like you are ‘doing the most’ so to speak or worse still, being paranoid. But my thing now is, I’d much rather be ‘paranoid’ than be gaslit by someone who doesn’t see the point and continue speaking about consent and boundaries with my child & others who wish to take her safety and wellbeing into account.
Another stressor for me as a mother is figuring out when it’s my intuition alerting me to an unsafe person or my past trauma triggering me. If you have answers I’m all ears cause there is no manual for this. It can be exhausting. But I do find there are certain people I feel comfortable letting around my daughter and others I stay alert. I guess that’s my intuitions way of letting me know what’s up. I remember telling a friend that I felt uncomfortable when someone I knew came up to my daughter and touched her lips out of nowhere. No reason to do it at all but they just did it. And I was wracking my brain wondering how I would approach them and tell them that was hella dodgy behaviour. And she responded with ‘You just tell them that made you uncomfortable and there was no need for you to do that. Plain and simple’. And in my mind I said to myself ‘Actually that is so simple!’ But you wouldn’t believe the mental gymnastics I had to do in my head first to be able to say those words! It really is that simple. Speaking up when you notice unsafe behaviour and letting people know when YOU are uncomfortable. Because at the end of the day, you’re your child’s voice and you’re modelling to them through your actions and words what is and isn’t ok when it comes to how people treat them.
So how can we teach our children about consent, how to speak up when someone crosses the line? And how do we learn to stop living in fear and instead live to empower our children and ourselves? Here are a few examples I’ve found super helpful:
Educate, teach & model consent. Be your child’s first teacher when they’re learning about their body parts & their private parts. Nipples, vagina, vulva anus, penis, testicles. As cringey and uncomfortable as it may be for us to teach them their anatomically correct names, studies have shown that kids who know the names of their private parts can aid in explaining if someone has touched them in an unsafe way.
My daughter will know what is safe and unsafe touch. Talking with children about safe and unsafe touch prepares them to recognize the signs of untrustworthy people and unsafe situations. Please remember that safe people are NOT parents, grandparents, doctors, etc. Don’t assume who the safe people in your life are. Confirm it. Their behavior is what makes them safe, not their title. Unsafe behavior means an unsafe person, no matter who they are. These talks don't have to be fear-based and they give children the language, awareness, and support that helps keep them safer.
My daughter will know the difference between secrets and surprises. i.e. Secrets are often meant to be kept quiet for a long time and to protect something that would make people feel unhappy, unsafe or hurt. Surprises are kept quiet temporarily then shared with others for a happy or positive result.
Here are some starting points explained by a great page I follow on Instagram called Consent Parenting run by mom of 3 Rosalia Rivera, a survivor of SA herself, and she helps parents learn how to empower their kids, educate adults & reduce risks for sexual abuse. Please check out her page of you’re looking to empower yourself but don’t know where to start.
Speaking to family & friends about consent and how you would like them to interact with your child is so important. If they get offended, that’s not your problem. If someone asks your child for a hug or kiss and your child says ‘No’ and they respond with ‘Aww that makes me sad’ tell them this, ‘Children should not be burdened with making us happy nor blamed for making us sad or angry. Children are not responsible for how we feel. We are.’
If it’s someone that is close to you like family, it may be hard at first for them to understand because during their time, their upbringing, their generation never had talks about consent. Children gave hugs when they didn’t want to because it was a sign of respect or ‘being nice’. If being nice or respectful requires me to feel uncomfortable in my body then I think we need to rethink the whole thing don’t you? Each family has their rules and these are yours.
This thread by another Instagram page Educate2Empower helps teach caregivers how to explain boundaries with family members
Below are a few resources which include websites I’ve gone through & books I’ve bought to educate yourself & your child/ren on identifying safe people, keeping your eye out for groomers & creating awareness about CSA, consent and how to go about teaching and modelling it.
Websites: Darkness to light, The National Child Traumatic Stress Network, Enough Abuse Campaign. And if you live in Kenya please check out Freely in Hope which helps survivors heal through therapy.
Recommended books:
I do not want to be ruled by fear, neither do I want my daughter to live in fear. My goal here today is not to instill fear in you either. I want her to be empowered. I want to be empowered. I want all of us to be empowered. Mothers, fathers and caregivers alike. My hands shook and my heart was palpitating writing this but I’m so happy and proud of myself for finally pressing the ‘Publish’ button because I know my story and what I’m learning may help someone out there.
I’m tired that survivors of abuse of any kind continue to live in shame, are afraid to speak out because of fear, tired of the taboo surrounding sexual abuse, tired of there not being enough support & education surrounding sexual abuse & I’m tired of offenders continuing to live their lives without retribution or remorse. This is our time to be empowered, educated and stand up for our children and future generations. Let us make a change and let the change start with us.
“Speak your truth even if your voice shakes”
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