An ode to 2023

31 Dec

2023 was a lot. It broke me open multiple times and left me trying to hold on to whatever sanity and strength I had left. But I survived and I kept going. And I’m still going. Can I get a Halleluuyeeeerrr??

There were moments of complete and utter despair and days that were so dark I didn’t know if I’d make it through. Moments I wanted to give up, curl into a ball and cry for days on end. Moments I was filled with rage and anger I could feel my skin boiling underneath. Moments of confusion and regret for having made so many mistakes in my life that have ultimately led me to this point of asking myself ‘what the actual fuck was I thinking?’

And then I looked through my pictures and videos of the year that was. There were moments filled with joy, although fleeting, and moments where I felt seen, heard and comforted. Moments I felt safe and was surrounded by love be it physically or virtually. I felt both the good and the very bad immensely and deeply.

I guess that is life. Some say we should try not to categorise the years as being good or bad because every year we will feel every type of emotion under the sun (every day in fact) but I can for certain say this was the toughest year in recent recollection for me. A reckoning of sorts.

As humans, we tend to often catastrophize situations, places and events because the bad often outweighs the good. I had to sit down and ask myself ‘was it really that bad?’ And the resounding answer was yes. Yes it most certainly was! I am not going to gaslight myself and brush off feelings that were very real and situations that were downright infuriating & disheartening.

It was more the realisation that I am so far off from where I had envisioned as my younger self and I’ve been clambering to grasp at whatever remnants of my former self I have left. Figuring out ‘where did I go wrong?’ and ‘why did I betray my inner voice for so long?’

This year I’ve had to start thinking about what decisions are in my best interests, having to start my life over again with no family for support, go through a divorce, coming face to face with all the mistakes you’ve made that have led you to this point, trying to figure out what’s next, while feeling like your options and freedom aren’t in your control.

I’ve skirted around the issue here and there but yes. Divorce is messy and I wouldn’t wish the ugliness that arises on anyone. I’ll go into detail one day (or not) but for now I’m just grateful this process did not break me or the ability I have to take care of my daughter.

So looking back at the year and the pictures I took have been a great reminder to continue documenting my life. To continue creating memories even when I feel like I’m only just hanging on to dear life. There’s always a little good sprinkled in there somewhere even when we can’t see it or remember it.

One thing I do know is that I wouldn’t have made it if it wasn’t for the love and support of my family and friends. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your phone calls, check ins, allowing me to vent, the memes, the comforting, holding space for me and cheering me on when I felt a mess. Thank you.

JANUARY

The year started off with so much pain, fear and anxiety & I was a wreck. You can’t see it here because my sister was in town and she provided a much needed distraction to the mess that was going on. We laughed, cried (me) & hung out for the days she was here and I am so grateful for that time.

I started baking! Something I never used to do before but apparently this was the year I was to start. This was my first time trying to make banana bread (yes I know I’m very late to the party as the banana bread phenomena was so 2020)! I was happy with the way it turned out!

Receiving unexpected gifts from family that let you know they’re thinking of you. Thank you Aunty Esther.

FEBRUARY

My daughter and I spent a HUGE amount of time at this cafe I was introduced to during a mom meet up. It's been my safe haven for the past year and a place I go to every week. Its’s warm, the staff are friendly and welcoming, they know how to make you feel at home and their carrot cake and hot chocolate are THE best in town. Thank you Cafe Alfred.

This was my 1000th attempt at trying to make content for this post I wrote. At the time I decided to take my content creation and blogging seriously I had to put aside the otherwise ‘cringe’ factor that goes along with taking pictures of yourself for the masses to then dissect. I didn’t like this one because it wasn’t ‘the picture’ but I’m glad I kept a draft of my attempts at trying something for the first time.

I saved a lot of quotes that resonate. This is one of the many.

MARCH

Another of the many quotes that carried me through the year. Relearning how to listen to my intuition is still a work in progress after dismissing it for so long but I'm trusting myself more and more.

APRIL

I made it a point a while back to start buying myself flowers. One because they’re pretty, and two, because you shouldn’t have to wait for someone else to give you flowers or anything else you want for yourself. You just go out and do it for you because that’s what you like. Here my daughter is holding one of my favourite flowers, the peony, after coming back from the park and our trip to the florist.

As someone who struggles to leave the house when my mental health is struggling, I am so proud of myself for getting out and spending time outdoors with baby girl.

My first pair of Crocs (which were later exchanged for a black pair) but this made it to the list! Why? Because I talked so much shit about never buying them and then bought a pair this year and I love them! Here’s to changing your mind and doing things you never thought you’d do (even for something as insignificant as buying a pair of shoes!)

MAY

Another beautiful day spent with a dear friend as we walked, talked, ate & played.

This was a good day.

JUNE

JULY

We spent the day with Moe and it was absolutely lovely. He got along so well with my daughter and that day flowed so blissfully. I felt hopeful.

Another wholesome and beautiful day spent with friends. I realised that the best days I’ve had this year were spent surrounded by good people.

AUGUST

This was the first picture I took and immediately sent to my mom after my daughter had spent the night away from me (in this case 2 nights) . That’s the thing with divorce, at some point your child is going to be away from you and you are going to have to deal with it. Whether it’s by your consent or not. I had to feel all the feels and reconcile that this was going to be our lives in the near future and took the time to rest, watch all the movies and series I could in the span of 3 days, cry and take care of myself, something I hadn’t done since she was born really.

SEPTEMBER

Baby girl started school and the mix of emotions were all over the place. I wrote a blog post about it here. We pass by this fish pond on our way to and from school and it’s been a nice way to observe and watch the fishes. They’re really pretty. And isn’t her bag the cutest?

On this day I had to make a decision that had been bugging me for months and it turned out to be the best decision I made in a while. Here’s to listening to your intuition and believing you know what’s best for you.

OCTOBER

Our bus rides into town have changed as we often go without a stroller now. I don’t drive yet and the bus is my means of getting around and despite it being a mad rush at times to leave the house and catch the bus on time, I’m grateful it’s a means for us to get around.

My first attempt at making cupcakes. It was my daughters birthday and I decided to make cupcakes for her class. We’re allowed to bring cakes to school on your Childs birthday and I challenged myself to try and bake some. I had a back up plan as well which worked perfectly. I was extremely proud of myself for baking these and also putting together goodie bags for the kids which I was later told they appreciated.

More carrot cake, hot chocolate and safe spaces.

NOVEMBER

Remember I mentioned that I had started baking at the start of the year? Since my love affair with carrot cake began this year I have been obsessed with trying to make the most perfect moist one in months. This batch was one of the best I made so far!

I took these when we made it to the park on a Sunday afternoon. Usually my Sundays are spent at the house but this Sunday I decided to leave and take a stroll in the city. It ended up with us meeting a mom I met at Cafe Alfred who was with her son and she so kindly offered to buy us pancakes and hot chocolate while talking about life as a single mother. It was a lovely afternoon.

Trying to appreciate the small things like the sunset has been especially hard. Being grateful for the small things takes a lot of work when you feel like you’ve been in survival mode & living on auto pilot for the last couple of years. The clouds looked exceptionally pretty here.

DECEMBER

As I was walking to the bus stop I saw this beautiful leaf on the ground and decided to pick it up. Nature really knows how to show out sometimes. Remembering the small things. It was also during this day when I was standing outside a shop talking to my cousin on the phone that a number of older women complimented me on my style and piercings. You can check out the outfit I was wearing here. I thanked them and was smiling from ear to ear. Compliments from older women (and women in general) hit different because they compliment from a place of genuine appreciation. It just affirms me to no end.

Every morning since my daughter started school, I’d draw a heart on each of our wrists and tell her that if she ever missed me or started feeling sad, for her to look down at the heart and remember that I WAS thinking of her and I would do the same. She still asks me to draw one for her but I think I do it more for me now than for her.

And lastly, a quote that has been carrying me through the year.

I hope whatever year you’ve had, you give yourself grace for all the good and bad things you’ve been through. Thank you for joining me on this messy journey of self discovery, healing and vulnerability.