It’s been 3 months since I decided to cut my hair. Shaved it all off. Razor to scalp. And 3 months later it’s still one of the best decisions I made for myself so far. I dutifully commemorated the occasion with an Instagram post (as you do!) which you can check out here.

Initially, as with most things that demand a sense of courage to carry out, I was scared. Scared because cutting off all your hair is scary! When you’re so used to having hair and all its implications, it’s a complete 180 in the other direction. Allowing yourself to almost be ‘naked’ and your features being put out there for all to see. No armour. Just you.

As a woman, your femininity is often tied to your hair (amongst many other things but let’s just stick to hair for the sake of this post) and is more often than not questioned if you decide to get rid of it. Short hair is often and quite archaically linked to a sign of masculinity, or in some cases, a mental breakdown.

Some studies have shown that cutting one's hair can provide a sense of control and emotional release. Changing one's hairstyle can also be a powerful tool in helping redefine or solidify one's identity. I hadn’t even done the mental work into what it actually meant but this feels and rings true.

I have spoken openly about my post partum depression and struggling mental health so a part of my reason for cutting it was to release some of that pressure. Having one less thing to worry about when your mental health isn’t at its best can be pivotal in staying afloat.

Taking the mental load away also meant not having to think about putting my hair in a protective style every 3 months, taking it out, having to care for my natural hair in the interim & then having to think about what my next protective style would be. For those of you who don’t know, protective styling is a term used in the Black community when you put your hair in a style that tucks the hair away and keeps it free from manipulation. Protective hairstyles include braids, wigs, locks, and twists. (thank you Wikipedia). Afro-textured hair is often prone to breakage or damage from the elements; protective hairstyles aim to guard against this.

A type of protective style. Me in a bomb ass wig

When my hair wasn’t in a protective style, it was in its natural state. Which means it had no relaxer or straightening products in it (a decision I took many years ago as I never liked the process of actually getting my hair chemically relaxed) & it was around this same time that the natural hair movement was championing black hair so I decided to go for it.

Even though I had made this decision to stop using chemical straighteners, it took a long time for me to come to love my hair in its natural state. I have 4c hair and it has the tightest curl pattern of all the curly hair types. Strands are formed in tight, springy, ringlets and our hair tends to clump more at the ends and is even more prone to shrinkage. And it’s because of its curl pattern that I struggled with my hair for a long time & would wish I had ‘more manageable hair’.

It just so happened that a lot of us were not taught how to properly take care of our hair and thanks to a lot of things (colonialism I’m looking at you!) our features; which included our hair, were deemed as being less than so our thinking and perception as a community changed. Having straight long hair = pretty. Having short curly, kinky hair = ugly. So it takes a lot of unlearning and self love to finally come to a place of acceptance in everything you are and speak kindly to yourself and your features. And even more so now that I have a daughter. Because if I don’t speak kindly to myself, how will she learn to speak kindly and lovingly to herself? How will she learn to love her hair, and every part of her being if I don’t lead by example?

My signature box braids. Done in Chateau d’Eau Paris.

Now, putting my hair in a protective style was a process! I used to do it on my own and the process mostly consisted of me scouring Pinterest boards and Instagram pages of hairstyles I wanted to do next. An exercise which was often met with indecision, late nights and then once my decision had been reached, figuring out where to buy the hair extensions.

Why go through all this Tasha I hear you ask? Why not just get someone to do your hair for you? Well here’s a little back story: When I lived in both Malaysia and Singapore, black hair salons were close to non-existent. In university I remember deciding to get the most low maintenance hair style at first so started with locs for the first year then cut those off and went on to put in ultra mini box braids. Both styles were easy to maintain and I often kept them in for a long while (with frequent shampooing, conditioning & retouching so don’t come at me!) Once I moved to Singapore, I started doing my own hair because, as I mentioned before, there was a lack of salons who specialised in Black hair.

Once I moved to France, I just carried on the tradition because 1. I didn’t know where to go to get my hair done (I later figured out after reading a few blogs the place to go is Château d’Eau. It is THE place for all your hair needs ladies) 2. It was hella intimidating venturing out into a world where I didn’t know the language and 3. I liked doing my own hair. No pulling, no tight edges and you can watch TV & snack all in the comfort of your own home!)

I did finally go to Château d’Eau once I started working cause I no longer had time to do my own hair and it paid off! My braids were always perfectly done, they took on average 5 hours (which is not a lot if you ask around) and more often than not I was always satisfied with how they turned out. But there was one little caveat! You know the pulling I mentioned earlier? Yeah that was ALWAYS a problem! The first few days always felt like your scalp had been tightened to the nth degree! (Black girls you know what i’m talking about!) And the reason why the first night of getting your hair done is spent sleeping upright for fear of causing even more pain! My pleas always fell on deaf ears cause ‘the tighter they are, the neater they’ll look’ was always the response! My edges will never forgive me!

But moving on.

I remember the most recent time I cut my hair short was back in 2017 while working in retail and a lot of people couldn’t understand why I had done it. It was amusing and also kinda unsettling how much of a big deal it was. I was unhappy with the health of my hair & wanted to start a fresh.

What made that particular time different was that my sense of worth was rooted in what others thought about me (even though I didn’t go so short). I worried about what people will think or how I will be perceived once I decided to change my appearance to something that doesn’t ‘conform’ or is in some way different. I’m slowly coming to realise that in order to be as authentic I can for myself, doing what feels good in my soul is imperative to my well being. I was still very wary of my decision because it wasn’t met with a resounding ‘WOW you look amazing!’ It wasn’t any wonder that a month after doing it I swiftly put in braids to feel ‘normal’ again.

On this journey to baldness I’ve also had to figure out how to step away from fixating on ‘the male gaze’, (if you’re unfamiliar with the term here’s a good article that explains it and the implications it has on women’s self esteem and perception of self) because as a society that centres a woman’s worth based on her looks, appearance and the idea that ‘men like long hair’ amongst other heteronormative views, stepping away from that way of thinking takes a lot of unlearning.

After my first ‘big chop’ in 2017 a few days later I decided to get it cut even shorter. Here were the results.

So the decision to cut it all off one fine day in October 2022 made sense. Oh did it make sense!

I had gone over it in my head for a few weeks and was plucking up the courage to do it. Then I remember one day at around lunch time just saying to myself ‘Go and shave your hair!’ So I set up my phone and started recording. I wanted some kind of documentation for this really big thing I was about to do so I could later be able to look back and recall how happy (or terrified!) I looked & felt in that moment. I picked up the razor and started shaving. It was exhilarating and scary. Did I mention it was scary?! I still had my braids in from summer and didn’t even bother taking them out. I remember starting right at the front so if I chickened out I couldn’t go back.

My daughter was in the bathroom with me while I was shaving it off. She looked at me and asked me what I was doing (in toddler speak of course) and I told her I was shaving my hair off. She was looking at me very much confused and surprised at what I was doing. Once I had finished she ran up to me and hugged my legs. My heart! She has her random moments of giving affection so this caught me completely off guard. It was in that moment I knew I was doing the right thing (cliché I know!). Immediately after cutting it off I remember looking at myself in the mirror and freaking out a little cause it was so unfamiliar. Then I called my family and they hyped ya girl up for days! Sometimes validation is a good thing when it comes from the people you love!

So are there days I miss having hair? Sure! And are there days where I don’t feel ‘pretty’? As we all do. I had the same feelings even when I had hair and those days passed. But you know what I do miss about having hair? Box braids! Look, Rome wasn’t built in a day! We go through the feelings and move on. But I keep telling myself, ‘It’s just hair’. and for now, I have the privilege in still being able to grow it back so I’m going with this as long as it feels good and more practically, makes sense.

I am learning to find value in my worth, my look, my decision making and loving me in all ways, whatever hair, body or appearance I might have, regardless of outside influence or critique. It is a work in progress but we’ll get there!

I’m also having to relearn how to look and treat myself with compassion regardless of whether I have hair on my head or not. And step out of my own ideas of what I’ve believed feeling beautiful means for me. Because at the end of the day, I want to feel content in who I am and how I look regardless. And starting this journey with no hair is the best place to begin. x

Going Bald: Re-defining beauty on my terms

February Edit

Not so end of year round up