So my daughter started school last week and I am not ok. *cue a flood of tears cause how have 3 years gone by so fast? 😭

With the emotions that come with sending your child to school for the first time, I’ve also been thinking about how this new transition will be for us both, the feelings that come with it and the education system as it exists today.

She’s been at home with me since birth and it’s been a beautiful & worthwhile experience to witness her growing day by day. I seriously wouldn’t do it any different & the privilege I had to even get to spend this amount of time with her is something I will always be grateful for (even though these past 3 years have been the hardest emotionally and mentally). Sure there have been hard days where you’re looking at the clock wishing for the moment you can put them down to sleep and days that fill your soul with so much joy because you know these moments won’t last forever. And now that we’ve reached that moment of ‘moments not lasting forever’ I’m besides myself with every possible emotion under the sun. You name it, I’m feeling it!

I always knew the years would pass and this day would come but can someone tell me why it’s already here!? How Sway? It’s all relative mind you because as the saying goes ‘the days go slow but the years go fast’. Trying to take it all in and not get too overwhelmed with the fact that my baby girl isn’t quite a baby anymore (although she always will be in my eyes) and I’m excited but mostly nervous for this next phase in our lives.

I saw a story posted by another mother on Instagram the other day, and she was talking about how her own daughter was also starting school and all the feelings she felt surrounding the occasion. That she was happy as well as so proud of her daughter and herself for reaching this new stage but she was also nervous because her daughter will be in someone else’s care for a good chunk of the week. She mentioned that she wouldn’t be with her round the clock to protect her, validate her feelings, take care of her and so on. She began asking herself questions such as, ‘will the teacher be able to validate her emotions the way I do or even treat her well’ or ‘what if there’s some kid who decides they want to make my child’s life hell just because they weren’t taught better?’ I understood everything she felt and thought how I was going to navigate this on my own as well.

Her story resonated with me so I left her a comment and told her this: “As mothers we worry and it’s valid. We have to believe and trust that the way we have chosen to raise our babies will carry them through each day because they know they are supported and loved. My daughter also starts school in September and will be the only mixed race child in her school (a point I later came to learn would not be the case hallelujah)! I have to believe she will be ok because what would be the alternative? I hope you’re able to give yourself some grace.’

I know that with new transitions & experiences such as these in parenting come fear because we can’t control what happens once our children aren’t in our care. You can only hope that the teachers who you entrust your child with will do their best to keep them safe and cared for.

I’m also nervous because I know the school system as it exists is flawed & the way I had wanted my daughter to be educated wasn’t met with the welcoming acceptance I thought it would be. My values and how I choose to raise her are on opposing ends with most of todays education system so I’ve been feeling saddened and worried. Also trying to figure out how the lessons I’ve tried to instil in her won’t be completely undone.

That’s the thing with deciding to gentle parent. When you choose to do it, you realise that the way children are taught once they start school (or are in any other persons care for that matter) are to basically follow orders and stay in line. No crying, no feelings being validated, no room for doing anything other than what you’re being told to do. Obedience over co-operation is the name of the game. You see all the things that are wrong with the way we’ve been conditioned to think (hence why you chose gentle parenting in the first place). But ultimately, also trying to wrap your head around the fact that no one will raise your child like you and be consensual, or respectful, or even just plain nice once they’re out in the world because humans stay acting like humans. And that’s a huge realisation to come to terms with.

I have many thoughts and feelings regarding the education system as it largely exists today so I’ll try and summarise them as best I can here. Let’s get into it.

I believe that school as it exists today (and has existed) is about creating workers who will be conditioned to enter the (capitalistic) system and work a 9 a 5 until they retire. Basically. Yes, some information they teach us is great but it’s mostly about cramming stuff we don’t need (Pythagoras Theory anyone??) to eventually take tests that then evaluate you on your ‘intelligence’. And if you just happen to be someone who doesn’t fit into said 'intelligence’ meter then sorry for you. We don’t all learn or process information the same so why do schools still follow outdated teaching methods that don’t benefit every child? And how do we make it so that everyone does in fact benefit?

But let’s start from the beginning. I find it interesting (more like messed up) to note that children, if we’re actually following their growth and development, should be starting school at around 5 or 6 years old and not 3 as some countries do (I’m talking about you France). There are countries like Sweden where children start school at 6 or Finland, where they start at 7, and it has been studied that a lot of them beat other countries in math, reading and science. It has also been noted that by age 15, Finnish students outperform all but a few countries on international assessments (read the research on it here [1]).

I researched a few reports ( this one [2] in particular by Stanford University in the US) which suggests that we’re sending our kids to school too young with statistics revealing ‘Those who started at age seven showed lower levels of inattention and hyperactivity, factors known to be influential in improving self-regulation, which in turn is linked to academic achievement.’

There are obviously pros and cons to sending your child to school at the age of 3 (which this article [3] delves into) and one of the pros being that children who go to kindergarten gain ‘social skills’, amongst other skills, which is a plus (I’m trying to be positive here). As mentioned, the school starting age here in France is 3, with President Macron citing the reason for said change [4], because children originally started from age 6, ‘was intended to reduce inequality in education, as parents in poorer areas of France and in overseas territories are less likely to send their children to nursery school.’ (*bombastic side eye).

So my question is why do most countries choose to force (I say force because in countries like France, once again, homeschooling has been severely restricted [5] but not completely banned through the justification of the fight against "Islamist separatism’) children to go to school at such a young age not citing the reason given above?

My thinking is the sooner you get a child into school, the earlier they are in the system and are able to ‘follow rules’. Plus, if the system does not support parents to have the choice to homeschool, stay home with their kids (while receiving some kind of aid because we all have to live and eat), have flexibility within their working hours, or just provide them with other alternatives, then you’re clearly telling them that their needs, whether considered unconventional in the eyes of the conventional, are not welcome or celebrated, further insinuating that anything other than traditional schooling and learning is out. I am also conscious of the fact that that would take some major monitoring so parents who choose to do things ‘differently’ are following a particular curriculum…but my question still stands. Not everyone wants their child to learn in a traditional setting so how can we accommodate that? Is that even a possibilty?

Learning happens when children are developmentally ready, feel safe and securely attached, and are given the space for curiosity, wonder and awe. Learning, like independence, mustn't be rushed. It's a gift that must unfold by itself and we have the responsibility to safeguard that sacred space.
Tracy Gillet founder of Raised Good

I had initially wanted my daughter to go to a Montessori school, which involves teaching the Montessori method, a system of education for young children that seeks to develop natural interests and activities rather than use formal teaching methods (thank you Google). It also offers flexibility in learning and is not so rigid (which I believe most traditional learning tends to be). But it was pointed out to me when I was pleading my case for Montessori schooling that here in France, it has received some very bad press with apparently multiple articles written cautioning parents to not send their children to these institutions.

This is in part mainly due to the fact that ‘they lacked structure’ with one mother Stephanie citing, “the skills that were sold to me, [is] not what I’m paying for, so I don’t know what I’m paying for”. Another mother by the name of Ariane, said [her] children were "damaged" by [Montessori] school: "We had to go see psychologists, because all of a sudden, we didn't recognize our children. They behaved in ways that were no longer acceptable.” Another father denounced the fact that his daughter, who went to Montessori for a year and paid 10,000 euros, fell behind when she switched to public school. “We had to start reading from the beginning,” he explained. "In mathematics and writing she was also very weak. She couldn't keep up with the others." The articles are in French but you can read them here [6] & here [7] ).

‘But surely Tasha’, I hear you say, ‘2 articles and a few disgruntled parents do not a whole way of teaching make’. And I’m with you on that. Montessori isn’t for everyone, and depending on what you want for your child’s future and/or learning, this should be taken into account. So I naturally had to question, why did it seem like this was such an issue here (or presented as one), while other countries seemed to celebrate it?

The reasons are varied but some point to one of the issues being that there have been schools who slap the ‘Montessori label’ onto their establishments, but their teaching methods do not follow the true Montessori method, thus leaving parents disappointed and put off Montessori. “There are a lot of deviations,” recognises Nadia Hamidi who gave her thoughts in this article [8] about the increase in false Montessori schools in France. "It's not honest. It's not because a toy is made of wood that it is Montessori," she adds, particularly indignant about a recent pair of Velcro shoes sold with the Montessori appellation. The president of the AMF even sees it as a form of [a] “scam”. But also, Montessori is completely different from traditional learning and if you expect the same type of methods that you’re used to then you will be disappointed.

It should also be mentioned that Montessori isn’t as affordable here as it should be with prices ranging between €600 - €1200 a month (depending on which area you live in France), a price only few can afford.

I believe these methods can be incorporated into everyday teaching from a young age so it isn’t just about ‘learning how to sit down’ or following rules. Let’s teach children about empathy, consent & respect as well

It is also good to note that most French parents (like most parents if we’re being honest) place huge importance on their children’s grades and behaviour from the earliest stages of their schooling as this writer who was educated in France [9] noted. I asked one French mother, who now has grown children going on to university, why she thinks this is the case and she told me (and I’m paraphrasing here), “Most French people have been taught from a very young age to follow certain rules and learn in a very specific type of way. A lot of the learning, once a child gets to around age 6 is extremely competitive and merit based.”

This mother also told me not all schools were like this but it was a vast majority and a lot of schools (mostly public), although free, tend to get a bad rap. But this also depends on whether you live in ‘a good area’ (code word for white and wealthy…we’ll get into that in a bit). There is often little to no room for making mistakes and getting good grades is of the highest importance. It was also pointed out to me that children who do have learning difficulties, are often left behind or have issues getting proper education (a problem worldwide) because the care provided is severely lacking with teachers often not being able to cater to said children due to lack of support or the availability of trained individuals. A look into some of the issues faced in this report here [10].

I’ve heard stories of teachers shaming their students in front of the whole class for not being good at math (apparently it’s a thing to humiliate kids to do better? Where they do that at?), leaving children to cry in a separate room if they didn’t ‘get over it’ (in ‘maternelle’ or kindergarten) or Andréa, a mother in this article [11] who said the reason she chose Montessori for her child was due mainly for the fact that [many parents such as herself] suffered from their own schooling, or from the first years of their children in classical education. She said, ‘My husband's teacher was hitting him, mine was throwing notebooks on the floor.’ It always baffles me how some people think these methods are beneficial and more importantly working. Are we not bothered or even care about the effects this has on ones mental health?

This type of teaching and oftentimes mistreatment isn’t only found in France as we all know but it’s startling to realise that it is a part of the education system at large. How do you then as a parent entrust that your children are learning in environments that provide healthy development and care? Or are we reaching for the stars and our expectations should be on the absolute floor or worse still, in hell?

It really doesn’t help that schools in France are considered ‘strict’ as well as rigorous and demanding [12] leaving little room for alternative ways of learning. The focus is placed so much on regurgitating information rather than focusing on catering to each child’s abilities; a very tall order of classrooms are jam packed and ideas around education are centred on ‘getting the highest grades and nothing else (regurgitation of information is not a new phenomenon and practiced only in France as we know because it is the backbone of how educators and schools worldwide get children to retain information to then take tests. Case in point here [13], here [14] and here [15]).

Retired sociologist and former director of the School for Advanced Studies in Social Sciences (EHESS), François Dubet said [16] “The French education system is extremely rigid,” and made a distinction between instruction and education, claiming French teachers focus on the former.

He further commented, “The French classroom is a knowledge-only space where teachers hand over what they know in an extremely rigorous way.”

Hence my push to try something different because my findings did not leave me feeling very optimistic about the type of education or learning my daughter is going to receive. The system as it exists is failing our children. And I can understand that not all parents want the same things for their child. Some are very happy with the system as it exists and good for you. Go off. Why should I also not have the opportunity or chance to try something else that could in fact benefit the development and growth of my child in a healthy and supportive way? Serious question.

Another lesson to be learned here my friends. Please do your research long before raising a child in a system that is unfamiliar to what you know and align with. But also, don’t assume that the way you want your child to be educated will be met with open arms and agreed upon when someone else has opposing views which then force you to forgo your initial plan for your child. Another thing about living in a completely different culture to your own, and especially while raising your kids, is there are things you may possibly bypass until the last minute and kick yourself for not having made better choices sooner. Either way, please do your research and stay aware.

One of the other things I had also hoped for my daughter was that she would be able to go to a bilingual & diverse school because for me it was important that she be surrounded by kids who are 1. multicultural and looked like her & 2. know what it feels like to speak two or more languages and be accepted and not possibly chastised for it (as I’ve heard can happen). This was another barrier I had to face unfortunately because where we live, the options are very few and far between, expensive (but something I would and still can figure out) and once again, with horrible reviews. But also, what I wanted was deemed as not being realistic for use of a better word. Because I don’t have a job and can’t afford the above options, I ultimately don’t have a say in where she goes to school. Fair enough. But that’s why I say, options! Give people the opportunity to choose and have alternatives. Homeschooling for one!

As mentioned in the beginning, I initially thought she would be the only child of colour at her school, as I had asked the headmistress whether there was any diversity and she said ‘there was none’, but was extremely happy to see one or two other children of different origins (i.e. who weren’t white).

Knowing what it feels like to be the only Black person in a group setting, as has been my previous experience can be met with unwarranted comments, microaggressions & plain old ignorance, something I had hoped to shield her from as best I can from the beginning. I had a conversation with someone about my worries and they said ‘Oh but she will be stronger for it’ and I’m like ‘Why put your child through something that they don’t need to go through when you can actually make it so that they thrive in an environment with other kids who look like her?’ I don’t understand this need to put children through the worst so they can become ‘resilient’ when you have options. I am fully aware she will be exposed to these types of negative attitudes in the future (a sad but inevitable fact when raising a BIPOC child) but why intentionally put her through something she doesn’t need to go through now? Being exposed to and interacting with different cultures is so important to me and I can only hope that my experiences aren’t replicated in her life and that I am able to teach her ways to be confident in her skin and that she thrives beyond measure.

So while we’re here and on the topic of schooling and education, here’s a little background into the way schools are run here in France. There are always pros and cons when choosing which avenue your child should take when it comes to schooling and my hopes are if you do ever choose to move or live in France, you’re aware of what you’ll be getting (this is also information for those who want to know how things are here).

Now this is mostly information I’ve gathered from the ‘internets’ so please feel free to correct me if you yourself have been educated in France and feel like I’ve erred on some particulars.

In France, you have public and private schools, like most countries around the world.

Public school is run by the state (where the curriculum is also controlled by the State), is free and depending on which area you live in, your child will go to the school within that area. Classes are often packed, teachers and the type of learning is very much ‘what the teacher says goes’.. But as I mentioned previously, not all public schools are created equal because if you happen to live in an affluent area (which are predominantly white & wealthy) the level of education increases and the quality of services too. Classes aren’t as full, the food tends to be of better standard and teachers generally happier but the level of diversity is often lacking (if that is a criteria that is important to you which I’ve already referred to, is for me). Schools with a diverse group of children often tend to be situated on the periphery of major cities (like Paris) where lower income families live due to high rental and living wages found within the city. According to sociologist Benjamin Moignard, cited in this parliamentary report, [17] "The worst equipped Parisian school is better equipped than the best equipped school in Seine-Saint-Denis.” But that’s another topic for another day!

Side bar: It’s interesting to note as well that the most recently elected National education and Youth minister Gabriel Attal who is in charge of implementing rules and regulations in public schools admitted that he has never in fact been a product of the public school system and only went to private school [18] (no fault of his own of course as his parents did what they thought was best for him). But would it not be more credible &/or helpful to employ someone who has actually lived the public school experience to therefore speak on it and make the changes necessary for it to improve? Unless the resounding consensus is that they do in fact not find anything wrong with the way things are done thus making that a WHOLE other issue in itself.

Another side bar: It reminds me of the public school system 8-4-4 in Kenya which also leaves little to no room for ‘fun’ learning but is instead solely based on ‘inhaling’ information to eventually get good grades, cramming for tests and examinations and almost zero tolerance for making mistakes.

You then have private schools which are run by private education institutions and follow their own curriculum (not controlled by the State). These schools are ‘hors contrat’ (do not have a signed contract with the State) and therefore do not benefit from state subsidies. This is often reflected in the tuition fees which are fixed and much higher.

And lastly, you have the schools which are semi-private which mean they are subsidized by the state, are under contract or ‘sous contrat’ and follow the same curriculum approved by them. They are cheaper than fully private schools but from what I understand, the difference is teachers are hired by the school head and not the government.

**Me and my older brother off to school. The shoe and sock combo were giving!**

It can be truly disheartening when the vision you had for what your child’s education would look and feel like being momentarily thwarted because of differences of opinions and availability. And even more so when your concerns fall on deaf ears because of said differences of opinions, availability and values.

I feel like what I wanted was very clear in my mind when the time came for my daughter to go to school and thought it would be an easy decision which took all my criteria into consideration. But alas. Not all is lost though as this is only the beginning and a bump in the road. There is still hope!

So what lessons did we learn here today kids? 1. Do your research! And 2. Don’t assume your values are the same as others. Speak up and stand by them because you may have to fight for what you believe in. So if anything, use my story as a cautionary tale. Before moving to a foreign country and deciding to educate your child in said foreign country, please do your research because if you choose to educate your child in a system that is vastly different from what you’ve always known, you need to be 100% on board and ok with it. I’ve made so many mistakes thus far but I’m determined to learn from them and correct them when the time comes. Don’t be like me.

Knowing your values and the way you are raising your child, it’s super important that you feel comfortable and at ease with where you send your child to school (this is a no brainer but I’ll just say it anyway). And certainly your choice has to be what you feel is right with all things considered. Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much for real! I have to accept that for now, this is where she’s at and I have to entrust that the teachers don’t fall into the same criteria as all the articles I’ve read or stories I’ve heard.

The whole education system (and I’m talking worldwide here) as currently know it needs an overhaul. What board or organisation do I need to get into to make this happen? Another serious question! My qualifications? Concerned mother who wants a better future for my child. There you go!

I truly believe that you can instil a hard working ethic into a child without having to shame, humiliate or force them to learn something they aren’t interested in. And any system that focuses on one type of learning (or even living) isn’t actually interested in benefitting all but just a few. Expecting children to all learn the same is a recipe for failure. We need to change the way we teach because one size does not fit all.

Some may say I’m a dreamer, but I know I’m not the only one (see what I did there!) but I’d rather believe that there is a way for us to do this. Let’s find a way to focus education that is catered to each individuals needs, retrain our teachers to build on empathy, nurturing & positive reinforcement, while teaching children to learn valuable life skills, the importance of going for what you want and pouring into their interests. That’s the world and learning I want to create for my daughter and one day I hope that I will.

References:

[1] What the U.S. can learn from Finland, Where School starts At Age 7

[2] New Study Suggests We're Sending Our Kids to School Too Young

[3] Pros and Cons of sending your little one to nursery

[4] France to lower school starting age from six to three

[5] Ban on home schooling in France: ECLJ alerts UN Rapporteur on Education

[6] "On s'est fait avoir" : déçus, des parents retirent leurs enfants d'écoles Montessori

[7] & [8] "Certains abuse les Parents”: L’association Montessori veut Lutter contre de “dérives”

[9] The French Education system: Where is it going wrong

[10] Disabled and special needs children still on sidelines of French education system

[11] La pédagogie Montessori, promesse ou business ?

[12] The French education system