I wrote a post last week on Instagram where I commented that my calendar reminded me that around this time last year, I decided to take a chance on myself, literally and creatively.

If you’ve been around for the past year then you’ve witnessed my very new journey navigating these here internet streets, questioning my creativity (or lack thereof up until not too long ago), motherhood, pushing back my fears & musing about life.

‘Oh what a difference a year makes!’

You’ve all heard someone say this at one point in their lives. when referring to finding themselves in a completely different situation, place or mindset a year after an earth shattering experience. ‘Oh what a difference a year makes’, when you’ve thought about taking a 1 year training course but think you’re too old to do it, but if you hadn’t done it, a year would have passed anyway and you would have been older, with no new skill and regretted it but now that you did do it, you’re a year older with a new skill & new found confidence. ‘Oh what a difference a year makes’ when a wise person once told you to ‘start now because in a year you’ll be glad that you did’ and so you started and look at you now! Well this girly right here is glad that a year ago I took that leap into the unknown and can now confidently say ‘oh what a difference a year makes!’

This time last year I was at one of the lowest points in my life (it’s been a hectic few years so this was not new). Emotionally, physically, mentally drained and unsure of so much.

I was questioning a lot and had no idea where I was going or what I wanted to do. Who I was and the life I was living felt so foreign I felt like a fraud masquerading as a puppet.

The only respite I had and the thing I was positively sure of was the way I wanted to mother my daughter and show up for her. My unwavering determination to be and do the best I could for her everyday never let me down and kept me going. And in a very big way, because I wanted to show up for her as best I could, this new found resolve helped pull me out of the dark hole I had found myself in.

But everything else was a blur. I felt alone and lonely and missed my family tremendously. I was craving connection but felt like I had none. The future was looking bleak with my confidence at an all time low, questioning all my life decisions and the famous ‘how the hell did I get here’ reverberated constantly through my mind.

At some point I had to look at myself and say ‘Enough. Your current circumstance does not and will not define your future. Who you were or currently are has brought you this far but we need to find a way to make small changes to move forward.’

It’s taken every single fibre of my being (and I wish I was exaggerating when I say this but I’m not!) to pull myself out of a self deprecating rut and start believing that I was made for better. To the point of being almost delusional with the dreams I have for myself because that was the thing that would keep me up and moving. I had to start believing that I was meant for more, deserved more and could give myself more because what was this all for? Did I make it this far just to make it this far?

Oh what a difference a year makes!

So it was around this time last year that I decided to start showing up for myself on the internets as I had always told myself that that was something I had wanted to do, but fear kept me back.

To finally share my thoughts through my writing, to take more pictures of my outfits and clue people in to my love for fashion, jewelry and home decor, to create a community & be as authentic as I could while baring my soul on the World Wide Web. To be ’cringe’ and say what I really think and feel knowing someone somewhere might have a differing opinion, to be vulnerable about my insecurities, hopes and dreams, and also just vibing. Also knowing that putting yourself out there means you’re opening yourself up to criticism and that that’s alright cause the other alternative, keeping my mouth shut and forever regretting not having started, would have been far worse.

It hasn’t been easy, as most things we decide to do even when filled with fear and apprehension, to get rid of the self doubt that sometimes rears it’s ugly head whispering ‘you’re not good enough’, but I’m taking the teeniest tiniest of baby steps and have been slowly dipping my feet into the unknown sea of what could possibly be and allowing myself to believe that this can lead to great things. And if it doesn’t, at least I’m enjoying the ride!

It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, putting ‘your life on show’ but it’s been my saving grace. And learning that not everything needs to be divulged, because boundaries.

It’s pretty awesome looking through my blog and seeing the words I’ve written, the fashion edits I’ve created month after month, the pictures I’ve taken and the constant learning curve that comes with trying out something you genuinely enjoy.

For the first time in a very long time I’ve created and continue to create something that actually makes me excited to create. Sure there are days when you’re not jumping off the walls with ideas and the motivation to keep going is non existent but I’m learning that that’s part of the process.

And speaking of processes, I’ve also realized that I’m a bit (read ALOT) of a perfectionist when it comes to making sure what I put out looks and feels good for me. I mean, it literally took me 4 months (and many years prior if we’re being honest) to purchase a domain, get a blog subscription, design the blog and finally hit the ‘publish’ button. It had to look just right for the big grand opening but I know that if I had had my way I would have still been editing and re arranging the blog without having published it today!

I also told myself that I would love myself more. Unconditionally, without blame or shame. To have the kind of self love and radical acceptance of myself as a naturally flawed human being having a human experience. To leave no more room for doubt but instead to be my own cheerleader when I needed it, to give myself grace when I deserved it, and to nurture myself when I craved it. It’s been a beautiful thing to witness as I offer the same to my daughter who watches closely when it comes to the things I do and say. Offering myself the same compassion I offer her has been healing and knowing that I’m a continuous work in progress gives me so much hope that the future is so bright for us.

So here’s to a year of growth, learning, forgiving, failing, creating and moving forward.

‘Oh what a difference a year makes!’ x

You know the good thing about hitting rock bottom? There’s only one place left to go and that’s UP!’

Buster Moon, from the movie ‘Sing’

P.S. If you haven’t watched this gem of a film I implore you to do so right now! I promise your child/children will love it as will you!

Oh what a difference a year makes!

On ‘success’ & trusting your own path

On Labels & name calling