On Labels & name calling
As you know by now there’s been a lot of reflection that’s been happening over here & lessons being learned. A journey to acceptance and self love.
Trying to love the versions of myself that can sometimes feel unlovable, dealing with how others perceive me (& ultimately trying not to care too much) and accepting that my flaws are a part of me and so make me who I am has been interesting to say the least! Breaking free from limiting beliefs and allowing yourself to redefine who you are again and again is hard work! But phew! We give thanks for the consciousness to do so.
So in this episode of self reflection & self love, let’s talk about labels & name calling. I’ve been thinking a lot about them lately and how reinforcing but especially damaging (with regards to the latter) they can be.
Sure it should be easy (and is important) for us to take in the kind words that people have to say about us but we so often linger on the words that sting, that make us pause and start spinning into self loathing.
There is a difference between wanting to see someone grow and be better by reaffirming, encouraging & showing them compassion, and using your words to hurt and keep someone small because you think the tactic of shaming them (via name calling) to be or do as you want will work. It may for a short time because they’ll be playing a role to appease or please you but it won’t be genuine. And nothing moves or grows from a place of poor self worth. I have my flaws (Lord knows I do!) but when do you decide that the words others use to describe you should or shouldn’t be taken to heart?
Name calling is often used when we disapprove of someone’s behaviour towards us and so we aim to hurt them by calling them something unpleasant in the hopes that they in turn feel our pain or just for the mere pleasure of hurting them. And I use the word ‘pleasure’ because for some, hurting another’s feelings is almost second nature because they lack emotional intelligence.
According to this article, ‘Name-calling and labelling are counterproductive—in every possible way. The act of name-calling or labeling someone (out loud or in your mind) may feel satisfying in the moment, but this behavior isn't productive. It is an ineffective way to communicate because it shuts down any possibility for dialogue or understanding. We all want to be seen, heard, and understood—and when we call people names or label them as something they're not, it sends the message that we don't care about their point of view—EVEN if it stays concealed, hidden in the dialogue of our mind.’
It goes on to say that ‘in psychology, this masking of our true feelings of insecurity is known as displaced aggression; when we cannot express our own vulnerable emotions, such as fear or inadequacy, we instead direct our aggression toward an easier target. Name-calling and criticism are two common forms of displaced aggression.’
I remember being told not too long ago that my ‘sudden interest’ in racism, feminism & consent can make me seem unapproachable to other people (mind you, these are things I’ve ALWAYS been interested in, I may just not have been as vocal as I am now about them). And I thought to myself, ‘well then I’m not for those people because those who are for me, won’t find my views or opinions to be too much’. And if they do disagree, they can also appreciate that we all don’t think alike and that’s more than ok. Learning that you’re not for everyone brings so much freedom because you can decide that you’re not going to play a role and instead be your authentic self.
I’ve been called radical (which come to think of it is a good thing cause yes to doing things that go against the grain!), entitled, lazy, selfish, amongst a barrage of other put downs because I did not fit into someone’s ‘ideal’ at one specific time. For them, they felt correct labelling me so because I was not living up to their expectations and they felt that demeaning me would therefore somehow urge me to change. It honestly just made me feel shitty (and thus internalising those labels and running with them!)
I know there are so many people who grew up being shamed in one form or another and unfortunately, because they say they ‘turned out fine’ or it pushed them to ‘be or do better’ (did it really), now believe that to get what they want and someone to act right is by repeating the same pattern (same goes with spanking children but that’s a WHOLE other topic for another day).
What I do know, because it has been my lived experience, is that viewing yourself from that lens of unworthiness will not bring change (if you do ever seek it). Shame from others and from yourself will not make you want to be a better person. It’ll do the exact opposite.
On the flip side I’ve also been told I’m strong, creative, brave, inspirational & funny (amongst other things I’ve probably forgotten because I don’t really know how to remember compliments). And it’s all too sad that these other labels you receive, are not ones you truly believe because you’ve held on to the negative ones for so long & probably think someone was just being nice.
This excerpt I read by Suzy Baston on her Soul Full Life Club blog shares my thoughts:
By having negative labels given to us, it can break us down and overtime add to our limiting beliefs. Fundamentally, what it comes down to, is understanding the source of the labelling and reasoning with our logical brain to decide the ones we want to keep, or the ones we can chuck away. The choice is ultimately ours, which is the wonderfully empowering part.
I just watched a video on Tik Tok (you can watch it here) of a mom who was talking about how she reacted to her som coming to her one day telling her some kid had been mean to him and she was going through the steps of how to react in such a situation. And in the video, after validating his feelings, and relating her past to his experience she told him this ‘the worst they act towards you kiddo, the worse they feel inside and that’s not your responsibility.’ And I felt that. How often have we treated someone badly, called them a name & just been downright awful because we weren’t feeling good inside? Because our insecurities have forced us to project onto others and use them as a punching bag?
Growing up and having mean things said to me in school and other settings was always confusing because I never understood why someone would want to be an ass. It would have been good to learn that the things they said had nothing to do with me but everything to do with them and that I shouldn’t take it to heart. Something else I’m teaching my daughter.
I think it’s easy for other people (and ourselves as well) to stay stuck on a version of you because for whatever reason, that version served them best. But what happens when growth happens and the way you once thought about the world, yourself & ultimately what you want shifts? How do you make peace with the person you once were and move forward in grace? How do you forgive yourself for the mistakes and the way you’ve hurt others (hence the labels) and move forward? Staying true to oneself and coming back to who you are, whatever that looks like for you, is so important because at the end of the day, when everything and everyone else is gone, you’ll only have yourself. And not allowing our past behaviour to define us. That’s a HUGE one!
I’ve made it a habit to buy myself flowers to celebrate myself and how far I’ve come. I’m proud of what I am and the things I continue to overcome. x
We’re constantly having to learn, relearn, adapt and grow to get to know ourselves better. I’m only just figuring out that my self love meter has been on almost 0 for so many years and the labels that had been placed upon me, as well as the ones I had placed upon myself were super hard to shake. I didn’t see past a lot of the habits and things that were keeping me where I didn’t want to be. It’s only until I took a step back one day in Summer 2021 and said ‘this ain’t it sis,’ and a shift happened. Not a quick ‘I now have all the answers!’ shift, but a very slow realisation that I am better than what I believed, or had been made to believe about myself. And I’m happier today for it.
I’m having to look at myself from a place of self love and compassion so I can accept myself fully while also rethinking the labels placed upon me by others and myself. I also feel like to be fully accountable, we need to be able to reflect on how we may have played a part in reinforcing those labels. But it’s reached a point that I figure out how to stop defining myself by them because limiting self belief ain’t it. A struggle in itself but we’ll get there. Because inherently, we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
And with that, my journey to self love and acceptance of self continues. Re-conditioning my brain and body to believe I am everything I want to be, can be and am is valid & achievable. I hope you start believing the same for yourselves bbs. ❤️
What labels have you been stuck with and wish to get rid of? And how are redefining yourself today?
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