Back, back, forth & forth

In the literary words of our dearly departed princess Aaliyah, we really be going back, back, forth & forth when it comes to learning life’s ever changing lessons. The struggle is real ya’ll!

The past few years have been doing the most and it can sometimes feel like everything’s being thrown at you at once. At some point you sit down and just tell yourself ‘Ok this has to be some kind of learning experience cause something’s got to give right? When is this barrage of life lessons going to stop?’

For me, it’s been A LOT. It all started in February 2020, the year of the Pandemonium (that’s pandemic for those of you who wish to call it by its correct name). But to be fair, Earth and humanity that year went through it, and the repercussions are still being felt today.

From falling pregnant, to suffering from ante-partum depression (I talk about this in a future post so look out for that), to moving to a new city, knowing no-one, going through a pregnancy in confinement, giving birth with no family around and having to learn how to juggle taking care of a newborn and dealing with your own diminishing mental health.

Now these are not the struggle wars. I’m not here to tell you I had it worse than anyone else. I’m sure and almost certain there are people who went through hell and back. And some didn’t make it out. But I remember a dear friend once telling me ‘Just because someone has it worse than you doesn’t diminish your experience or feelings’. And it’s true. We can be grateful for all we have, but we can also acknowledge we are struggling or having a tough time just getting by. Duality.

Let’s make it ok to talk about our struggles. It should even be encouraged. Because my experience and what I learned (or still learning from it) could help someone else get through their struggles. No topic should be taboo or shameful. Not anymore. Mental health struggles, relationship struggles, parenting struggles, work struggles, family struggles - should be talked about openly and freely. There’s often so much fear in being vulnerable and opening up because we don’t want to be judged, overshare or worse still, feel like we’re being a burden to someone by ‘emotionally dumping’ on them.

We can often feel lonely with what we’re going through but hearing that someone else is also going through the same thing can really give you a sense of relief. Like ‘Oh, this isn’t just happening to me but to you too.’ You are actually not alone.

This journey to self discovery & self love at the ripe old age of 37 is scary cause what have I been doing with my life all this time!? I’m realising (lots of realising happening over here & if you’re new to my blog this is a recurring theme so get on board!) is that there is growth in giving yourself grace and allowing yourself to make mistakes. And also forgiving yourself for the things you didn’t know sooner.

There’s a quote by Maya Angelou that says:

Do the best you can when you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

Oh if only it was that simple Ms Angelou. It takes self awareness and accountability to do better when you know better. Often times, life gives you some hard learned lessons time and time again but you, being the person you are (naive, stubborn you name it), decide ‘No, I don’t understand what’s happening here’ or ‘I don’t agree with this outcome so I’m going to go into this again’ and BAM! You find yourself in the same situation over and over again until one day it hits you, smack in the face, like a well ripened plantain thrown from the heavens and you finally shout ‘AHA! That’s what you were trying to teach me!’

For a long time I’ve had no idea where I was going or what I was doing with my life. And by now, you’ve probably surmised by my multiple musings that rediscovery of self and loving thyself is hella messy. You question things you once believed about yourself & the world around you. It’s a continuous uphill battle when you’re learning to trust & believe in yourself and your capabilities and ideas. Going back and forth in fighting not feeling confident in yourself and listening to your inner critic. Having to be your own cheerleader even on the days you feel like you’re ‘failing’. 

It’s been a journey trying to figure out that my path does not have to be traditional, and that’s ok. I can tell you that today I am a lot clearer in the things I do not want. Thanks to therapy & my life coach I actually feel like I have hope in living as authentically as I possibly can and advocating for myself, a feat that often leaves my tummy in knots (anxiety anyone!) before actually saying what’s on my mind for fear of what exactly? Confrontation? Probably. But we move and we learn and we learn again.

This is the human experience. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows. We ebb and flow. Rise and fall. And some days may be harder and feelings of uncertainty and discomfort may linger longer than they need to but the thing is, this just lets you know that you are human. Feel all the feels, whether you want to label them good or bad. Lean into the things that make you uncomfortable and allow them to sit with you for a minute. You’ll always most certainly find out where that feeling is coming from and when you do, release it. This is the season of learning, embracing & trusting that you got this as is every season of your life. We literally do not stop learning and growing.

What I want to be able to do is to continue mustering up the courage to give myself permission to be everything I want to be and leave room for all the things I haven’t even visualised yet. Pull myself out of the self doubt and tell myself ‘You can do and be all the things. Just trust yourself enough to believe you’re worthy and deserving.’ x

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